December Is The Cruelest Month

Well, it happened. The 11-5 Patriots, with a winning percentage of .688, are officially the best team of the wild card era not to make the playoffs. And, in an effort to avoid falling into depression, I started thinking not about yesterday's elimination, but about the other great teams from recent years not to make the playoffs. And so, in a Poop on Boozer first, I decided to do some actual research, finding the best teams from the past 10 years not to make the playoffs in every sport (except hockey, since I did it by winning percentage, which ties in hockey made difficult). So, here you go, without further ado: the best of the rest, the Patriots' brothers in extraordinary mediocrity:

1. TIE: 2007 Browns, 2005 Chiefs, 2003 Dolphins (winning percentage: .625)

There are too many teams to go into much individual detail, but considering that the Patriots are now number 1, and the next three teams are all football as well, this suggests that somehow the NFL breeds the best borderline teams. Sure, it's got a divisional format, which helps keep good teams out at the expense of, say, the Arizona Cardinals--but so does baseball, and it doesn't crack the top four. Ultimately, the reason that baseball's bubble teams are worse is because baseball teams in general are more average--football has .625 teams that don't make the playoffs, while baseball rarely has .625 teams, period.

4. 2008 Warriors (winning percentage: .585)

A bad year to be a middle-of-the road team in the West--the East had the league's best teams in Boston and Detroit, while the West had its top teams bunched together around .600. In fact, while Eastern playoff teams had winning percentages that ranged from .451 to .805, every single one of the playoff teams from the Western Conference was between .600 and .700--which meant that a team just outside .600 wasn't going to make it, even with great fans and Baron Davis. Parity, thy name is the 2007-08 Western Conference.

5. 2005 Indians (winning percentage: .574)

This roster most likely would make the playoffs today, and it's somewhat surprising that it didn't then. But the White Sox won 99 games, and the Red Sox and Yankees tied in the AL East, giving the Wild Card to one of them and leaving the Tribe on the outside looking in. If only they'd figured out how to unleash swarms of marsh-bugs on cue in time...

Get Ready, K.L.

A pitcher with the best nickname ever is coming to your town.

Greatest Hits

It's been a tough week. And, since I'm in need of a pick-me-up, and because my posts seem to tilt inevitably towards Boston homerism so I may as well stop resisting and embrace it, I've decided to list, in descending order, the top five sports memories of my life. I invite my colleagues, if they're interested, to do the same, since I'd be interested to hear their stories, and because it will delay the inevitable "worst five memories of my life" follow-up post that will depress me for weeks.

Without further ado:

THE TOP FIVE SPORTS MEMORIES OF D.R.W.'S LIFE

5. 2008 ALCS, GAME 5

This one can't go any higher than number 5--when you don't go on to win the championship, and when you in fact don't even wind up winning the series, it's tough to remember this game without thinking about what could have been. Still, it has a legacy--from now on, I can never give up on an important game, no matter how painful a bludgeoning it's become, because the 2008 Red Sox forced me to admit that there's always a chance. Yes, it's going to be a painful existence, thanks to this game--but it will all be worth it if I can ever even come close to replicating the moment when I collapsed on the floor after J.D. Drew's walkoff liner and had absolutely no way to process what I'd just seen. God, I love sports--and we're only on Number 5. The list is working its magic already.

4. 2008 NBA FINALS, GAME 6

So tempting to pick a different game--maybe the night that Pierce and LeBron channelled Bird and Wilkins as my friends and I watched, incredulously, in our college dorm, or the 24-point comeback that we took in at a bar off of Boylston Street. But those experiences were all about us, and what set the 2008 Celtics apart was that it was all about them. Just when I worried that I might grow desensitized after so many Boston championships, along came a team that wanted to win more than anyone else I'd ever seen. Sure, Kevin Garnett's post-victory interview is undeniably funny--but it's also one of the greatest expressions of pure emotion you'll find anywhere in sports. I'm happy when my teams win, but when the 2008 Celtics won, I was happy for them. And, you know, for myself too.

3. SUPER BOWL XXXVI

Without a doubt, the worst actual championship you'll find anywhere on this list. Sure, the Pats were huge underdogs, and that made it a hugely exciting game--but it can't compare to the raw emotionality of the Celtics win, or the sheer magnitude of any championships that may or may not be coming farther down in this list. But still, it was a great game, it was the rise of Tom Brady, and, most importantly, it was the first championship any of my teams had ever won on my watch.* To put that moment any lower than third would be criminal.

2. 2004 WORLD SERIES

I can't pick a specific game, because--let's face it--the actual games were, objectively, terribly boring. The 2004 World Series wasn't about great comebacks or heroic moments, or even individual games at all--it was about optimism. Even after the Sox-Yankees ALCS, Boston fans couldn't shake the feeling that there was always a way not to win. How awful would it be if the Red Sox completed the most incredible comeback in baseball history--and then lost? It would, in fact, have been so terrible that I honestly believed it would happen. That was the mindset in Boston--until it didn't happen, and things were never the same again. Optimism. It's a beautiful thing.

1. 2004 ALCS

Which game do you want me to pick? Should I choose the one where, facing elimination the night after losing 19-8, the Red Sox countered with the most famous stolen base in team history and a clutch RBI single off of the greatest closer that ever was, followed by a David Ortiz walkoff home run in extra innings? Or maybe the one that went 14 innings and six hours, featuring a miraculously bizarre hop that prevented Tony Clark's liner to right from winning the series for the Yankees, as well as the most exruciatingly tense inning in baseball history, when, in the 13th, Varitek ended up catching Wakefield (to which he was not accustomed), and surrendered three (!) passed balls and was just one away from losing the entire series? Followed by yet another Ortiz walk-off hit? Or maybe I should pick the one where Curt Schilling shut down Yankee Stadium while actively bleeding from the ankle, because his tendon was scraping against the bone due to surgery that the team doctor had only ever performed on a cadaver, and A-Rod was called out at first after the glove-slapping incident, causing fans to throw baseballs and debris onto the field to the point that the game was stopped and riot police were stationed along the warning track as A-Rod looked on the verge of tears for the remainder of the game?

There's no way. If I made myself pick one game for each item on this list, those would be 1, 2, and 3 in some order or another, and Game 7 would be Number 4 for good measure. It was that good. It was the greatest professional sports victory of all time, anywhere, and you'll never convince me otherwise. It transformed a town, a team, and a rivalry forever. I will never have a better sports memory for the rest of my life, and I am entirely OK with that. I have every game on DVD.

*Unless you count the 1986 Celtics title, which they won when I was two months old. I like to think I contributed.

Empire State

The Yankees may not suck.

It's true, despite the chants to the contrary. But it's not as obvious a statement as you might think. The Yankees certainly did suck, from October 27, 2000, until midafternoon yesterday. That's what happens when you have the payroll of nine teams. You either win the World Series, or you suck.

Yankee fans may disagree with that admittedly high standard, but Brian Cashman is clearly on my side. What else could inspire a man to pick the top three free agents in a relatively stacked offseason and buy them all? For $423 million?

The Yankees want to win a World Series. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. They're going after the best players in order to do it, and there's nothing wrong with that either. The problem, as I've said before, is that they do it in the most inelegant way possible. Brian Cashman and Hank Steinbrenner may have just secured their team a championship, but there wasn't an ounce of baseball analysis or business negotiating skills involved in the process. Find the three free agents who had the best years last year and offer them endless money? Indications are that the Yankees weren't even bidding for Teixeira until the Red Sox and Angels dropped out, then they stuck their heads in and offered him $180 million and a full no-trade clause. Mark Teixeira, since I now hate you, it gives me pleasure to know that you could have held out for $10 million more. Trust me, they would have given it to you.

Sure, I'm a Red Sox fan, but if you think about who the real victims are here, it's the Nationals. They wanted to revitalize (well, "vitalize") their franchise. They broke the bank to make a huge offer that would have helped level a MLB playing field that so reliably tilts towards the big-money franchises. It's too bad, Nationals fans; it turns out your league is actually designed so you don't have a shot at the World Series.

So there you have it. You'd think that, to win a World Series, you have to be highly skilled at evaluating talent, and predicting when players are about to peak so you can buy them cheaply. But that's not the case--really, anyone can do it. You too can win a World Series, for the low, low price of $423 million.

Yes, you certainly can win a championship that way. But I'm certainly going to be satisfied every time the Yankees lose to the $30 million Rays along the way. 

a post just to poop on boozer

as i watch the blue devils poop all over xavier, it seems like an appropriate time to poop on a former dookie and the namesake of this blog: carlos boozer.

for those if you haven't been paying attention to the utah jazz this season... wait, let me start that sentence again. for those of you who have a life, you probably haven't noticed that carlos boozer has been riding the bench with a bum knee. he's contributed almost nothing to the jazz this season; in fact, the man hasn't played since before thanksgiving.

so, of course, what better time to come out and declare that you're going to opt out of your contract at the end of the season?

okay, despite my hatred for its hoops squad, duke is a great academic university, and i'm sure its graduates are all intellectual studs. carlos boozer, however, does not seem to be among the smart ones. why else would he come out and declare he doesn't need the jazz when they most clearly don't need him?

as chris sheridan points out, while boozer has been filing his nails on the pine every night, paul millsap has been kicking ass, averaging 15 and 9 while making less than 10% of what boozer does. and we all know about boozer's penchant for cutting and running (and not in the backdoor kinda way). why risk more money on him?

so, carlos boozer, way to make it easy on your GM to get rid of you. sure, you'll find a job somewhere else. but let's see how much game you have in the paint without kirilenko and okur drawing all defenders by draining threes from the wing.

Poop On Boozer Out-Of-Touch Masshole Update, Pt. 2

Can it really be true that the Bruins and Sharks are on a collision course to meet in the Stanley Cup? Will my friendship with K.L. survive?

tuesday night sports digest

time to stop saying "the U," guys. okay, i realize that the university of miami was a great football team back in the day. hell, i loved watching ken dorsey lead comeback after comeback, and i enjoyed the complete demolition the hurricanes defense inflicted on all their opponents. but in case santana moss and co. haven't noticed, miami now sucks. i mean, 4-4 in the acc? while the 'canes still have some great individual talent, miami is no longer the university to beat.

overreaction of the decade. remember when todd bertuzzi almost killed steve moore? remember how he cried a little, and then he continued playing for top NHL teams? well, apparently, almost paralyzing a person is much less offensive than making a casual (although admittedly very offensive) comment about your ex-girlfriends and the players now dating them. i may be missing something, but did sean avery cross some special line? T.O. says worse stuff every day, and he keeps getting jobs in the big D. so why did the stars decide to eat several million dollars and cut avery? could it just be because he isn't all that good? either way, this only adds to what continues to be an embarrassing season for co-GM brett hull. (but the sharks are lookin' good, eh?)

more on the mitchell report. what report, you say? yeah, i know the mitchell report was forever ago, but tom verducci had a good SI piece on the lasting effects of bud selig's decision to crack down on drugs in baseball. check it out if you haven't read it yet.

how good is the big east? the verdict is still out. while this week's rankings certainly favor big east squads, the orange showed that those teams are far from invincible. the real question remains: can anyone beat the tar heels? well, i think someone might have to smack hansbrough in the face again before that becomes a real possibility.

Seeing Red

Changing your uniform design is like calling one of those last-second timeouts just as the opposing team is about to kick a field goal. Sure, it may have been a good call--maybe their first try would have been straight through the uprights, but they choke when they have to kick it again. However, when you think about it, it's just as likely that they miss that first kick, and your ill-advised, too-clever-by-half timeout gives them the second chance they need.

Switching up your team's logo and uniform design is kind of like that. There's always the chance that your old design really was an eyesore, and the change is actually an improvement. However, it's just as likely that you're fixing what isn't broken, overthinking and overacting when the best move is to leave well enough alone.

Now, if you're like me, you probably weren't sitting around thinking, "You know what really needs a change? The Boston Red Sox logo that's existed happily for 29 years." But that's what sets people like you and me apart from the Red Sox brass. Maybe it was the Game 7 ALCS lost that left a sour taste in their mouths, but after two recent World Series wins and God knows how many millions in revenue, they suddenly decided that this just wasn't good enough anymore.

Now, let's face it: baseball doesn't have much over other sports. While I love it to death, it's slow, objectively boring, and as much as I keep hoping it will happen, the players never start hitting each other with their bats. The one thing baseball does have in its corner is history. No American sport can touch baseball's unique place in Americana, and its steady presence through every cultural transformation. Love them or hate them, the Red Sox have pretty much always been there. And through Reagan, the Berlin Wall, O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, September 11th, and Barack Obama, they had the same logo.

The point is that baseball isn't simply historic--it's also somehow comforting in the way that it stays the same as we grow and change. If you're the Blue Jays, sure, you can feel free to try out some new uniforms. But if you're one of baseball's most stories franchises, then that's just not going to fly, especially if you decide to change to this.

uh... i don't think so

sometimes, espn just gives sports journalism a bad name.

in a poll of its divisional bloggers, espn found that kurt warner was the runaway leader for nfl mvp.

runaway leader.

we're talking guaranteed 1-pick, 2-sacks a game kurt warner. we're talking plays-in-the-nfc-west kurt warner. we're talking are-you-shitting-me-it's-the-arizona-cardinals kurt warner.

yes, he does have a 99.1 passer rating. but let's remember that he gets to throw to the three towers every week. and it's not like seattle is putting up a ton of resistance as kurt rambles down the field.

you have to respect what arizona has done this year, regardless of how weak its division is. but kurt warner is not your nfl mvp.

if you don't want to drink the kurt warner haterade, consider the list of players who received zero votes in this poll. notable absences including titans QB kerry collins, giants RB brandon jacobs, atlanta QB matt ryan, colts DE dwight freeney... the list goes on. true, these may not be conventional mvp candidates, but do they really deserve as little as zero votes? i mean, even clinton portis got three votes.

poop on espn's nfl bloggers.

you know it's time to fire brian sabean...

...when he makes two dumb moves in one week.

first, he signs bozo bobby howry, who had a 5.35 ERA with the cubs this past season and is 35 years old. yup, that's just who we want setting up brian wilson.

then, letting omar vizquel go because he's "old" - okay, maybe the quotation marks aren't necessary - sabean signs super "young" (and here i mean the quotation marks) edgar renteria, who was anything but impressive with the tigers. sure, he's a .290 career hitter, but what's the big deal? the giants have pretty good middle infield talent in burriss, frandsen, and velez, and they really didn't need to waste money on an average free agent.

okay, brian, i know you made some big splash moves like bringing bonds over back in the day and stealing guys like benito santiago and robb nen. but really, two ridiculous signings in one week? maybe that worst trade of the century wasn't just a fluke.

i think it's time to follow peter magowan out that gaping door.